Tuesday, March 04, 2008

List #4 - Driving in DC

The Rules of Driving in DC For Visitors To The Area

  • First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC, or "the District" - only tourists call it Washington.
  • If you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.
  • Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to Giant for toilet paper and milk.
  • If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. **Or in my case from CA**
  • Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
  • If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak Spanish. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast DC...well, just don't.
  • A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand)
  • Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do.
  • The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 70. Anything less is considered down right sissy even though the speed limit is 55.
  • The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow " lane.
  • The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.


Brian said...

Sounds like you've got it down! Now the trick is to not let DC taint your driving etiquette, and avoid driving in winter at all costs.

Also, you're right. Maryland drivers are the worst drivers in the entire world. I don't think I can be friends with anyone who's had a maryland license plate :-)

Goombella said...

Hey, this sounds a lot like driving in Miami!